To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”

This is only my second post and I can’t help but draw connections between what I am doing and bibliomancy. However, I am doing it in reverse of course, as I’m using a poem to dictate things that have already happened– And also to Bikrim yoga.  By reading the same poem over over, it becomes a fixed point for me to revolve around and measure progress against. 

As it turns out, I won’t be moving to the U.K.  I was turned away at the border on Friday the 13th, and sent home on the same day. I’m not sure I could make something like that up if I tried.  I could reapply for my tier 4 visa of course, but there are times when you just feel that things are not meant to be.  For me it’s taken three failed attempts to move, one that ended after two months back in May.

It’s only now that I am realizing how much vulnerability this has required on my part.  I gave up my job, my apartment, which was amazing, and many of my possessions.  All of which, upon looking back, I realize, I’d do again with out hesitation…I’m not the type to wonder “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”  But for the first time in my life there is trepidation.  But more than wondering “Do I dare?” I wonder, “What should I dare?”  And the pregnant pause at the end of this post is implicit of my current mental condition.

That is all…

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And how should I begin?

I’ve just decided to title each post after a line of my favorite poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.  Shameless as it may be, it’s what’s in my heart.  It’s the best things I’ve ever read, and the one thing that keeps me from writing.  When I think about how delighted it makes me, I think, “Why bother, T.S. Eliot has already addressed all of the sumptuous, fragrant angst inside of me.”  This blog is even named for a line in the poem…And indeed, literally in deed and figuratively in thought, my life feels like an overwhelming question at times.  A pregnant pause, on half-parted lips…

I guess, if you are to read this you should note:

  • There will be gratuitous abuses of language, meanings half meant and metaphors loosely constructed
  • Ellipses, in spades
  • For all of you actual writers, I’m a fan of the tell…you’ll need to rely heavily on your own mind’s eye for the showing
  • I ramble, and my writing is at times convoluted
  • This blog, my company, and to an extent, going to art school are all an attempt to find my proverbial Rose Bud, wrapped in the guise of life purpose and productivity.
  • The cake, if ever I mention it, is a lie…

In a few short weeks I’ll move to England to start art school at UAL!  I am terribly excited, and less nervous than I was before, having failed once or twice at it, (more on this a bit later)…I left Pittsburgh and consulting some 6 months ago now.  In the time since, Docent.co was born.  It’s my first step toward the dauntlessness that is a young boy on a sleigh…starting a company that is, starting a blog is step two, then art school, and so on.  Over the coming days, months, years, or whatever, I intend to share with you how it all goes.

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