For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse

In my last post I wrote about my disappointment at not moving. Well that’s all over. My things have arrived from the UK, in a tattered box, but in tact. As I unpack it feels a bit like Christmas. All that I thought I’d lost is now with me again. I did give up a lot, but they were things that I didn’t need, remnants of the people I used to be. I can say for the first time in my life that I have a full account of all the things I own. There is nothing hiding in a dark corner, no misplaced nugget of matter leering at me through a pile of paper on a messy desk. And, I am for the first time replete.

In the twinkling of an eye everything has been undone, everything that I set out to do, but I feel more grateful than ever. And what I am most grateful for is the people in my life, who have supported me, despite a series of what turned out to be very poor decisions. Cyclically, I am one of the luckiest people I know, because of the people I know.

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To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”

This is only my second post and I can’t help but draw connections between what I am doing and bibliomancy. However, I am doing it in reverse of course, as I’m using a poem to dictate things that have already happened– And also to Bikrim yoga.  By reading the same poem over over, it becomes a fixed point for me to revolve around and measure progress against. 

As it turns out, I won’t be moving to the U.K.  I was turned away at the border on Friday the 13th, and sent home on the same day. I’m not sure I could make something like that up if I tried.  I could reapply for my tier 4 visa of course, but there are times when you just feel that things are not meant to be.  For me it’s taken three failed attempts to move, one that ended after two months back in May.

It’s only now that I am realizing how much vulnerability this has required on my part.  I gave up my job, my apartment, which was amazing, and many of my possessions.  All of which, upon looking back, I realize, I’d do again with out hesitation…I’m not the type to wonder “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”  But for the first time in my life there is trepidation.  But more than wondering “Do I dare?” I wonder, “What should I dare?”  And the pregnant pause at the end of this post is implicit of my current mental condition.

That is all…

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